Billy

I give up. When it comes to investigating Brown Thomas I am an expert, but clearly I was out of my depth here.

Sally dot

A Conspiracy Theory

2009-10-20T01:11:00.000-07:00

Sally dot Page, greetings

Investigations to date have unearthed the following startling revelations: It seems that the linnet was putting the squeeze on the fly. The fly cracked under questioning. His statement on the record had read: “I”said the fly, “With my little eye,I saw him die. ” He admitted just four minutes ago that he saw nothing. His statement was utterly false. “look at my eye” he said. We did, and noticed it took up over half of his head. “Now is that a little eye?” he asked. “That would be a major understatement” we conceded. “The rest of the statement is in the same vein,” he said with resignation. But why the deception that has led millions of children astray over the generations? He claimed that the linnet had threatened to eat him if he didn’t play ball. In another room in the barracks the linnet is now singing a different tune. It seems that in the missing minute he also put the screws on the sparrow, who had admitted to the murder: “I” said the sparrow,“With my bow and arrow,I killed Cock Robin. ” Now he says he was misquoted! “Whitney’s Row is narrow and ice filled in October” is what I said, but I did have a heavy cold” he claimed. “And the fish, with his little dish, what then did he catch if it was not Cock Robin’s blood?” we continued. “ketchup! Just Ketchup. Cock Robin wasn’t even there,” he disclosed. I hurried back to the Palace. As I went through the gate there was Mrs Reilly standing there right in front of me. I almost bumped into her. She was on her way to the shops. “Oh Colonel you are a terrible man with all that rushing around you are doing putting terrible, terrible strain on your poor heart and you getting all red in the face from your labours and hurryment and doing yourself not one bit of good in the wide earthly world that is so full of misery and woe that even thinking about it is enough to set me off worrying and fretting about all the waste in the world with people not finishing their dinners and leaving them to be thrown out without a thought for the starving millions in Africa who haven’t a spud to share between the lot of them until the rains come and wash them all away, Glory be to God and all his Holy Saints in Heaven. ” She had to stop for breath. “Urgent business in the Palace Mrs Reilly. Can’t stop,” I said and rushed past. “Going up there in that haste and excitement to disturb that saintly man and he studying at his books and saying prayers the like of which have not been heard since Moses himself came down from the mountain…. . ” her voice trailed away. The Bishop was at the front door soaking in the sunshine. He had his eyes closed and his face raised to the sun. He heard the gravel crunching under my feet. “A resolution?” he asked. “Not quite, but a step closer to the truth, if the indications are indicative,” I said obscurely. “A put-up job, apparently. ” “And the body?” “There is none. The authorities exhumed what was supposed to be the remains and all that was in the coffin as an Arch confraternity of the sacred Cincture medal. They immediately re-interred it. The grave has been restored to it’s former condition. ” “And your recommendation as to the procedure to be followed now?” His Lordship wondered. “A spell in the Galapagos for the fly, sparrow and linnet. No further action on Cock Robin and leave the original story stand. The current chairman of the Chamber of Commerce is a book seller. He is prepared to make a contribution to Your Grace’s favourite charity in return for not having to re-stock the children’s book section with the revised version of Cock Robin. ” “Is he to pay in real money or funny money?” the Bishop enquired. “Oh real money, the English stuff!” “Well in that case throw in a thousand plenary indulgences for him and take the cash. The Cock Robin story can stand,” he concluded. “As ever, Your Lordship displays his wisdom and his fondness for cash for his favourite charity,” I said backing out the door to clear the premises before Mrs Reilly’s return.

Yours in indulgences,

Billy

2009-10-04T05:12:00.000-07:00

Sally dot Page, greetings

Fortunately, I checked my e-mail prior to my visit to Planty, and a good thing I did for the germ of the solution was there, recumbent, in your e-mail. “He must have an Achilles heel,” you said. And he does. In a word, Galapagos! The background is interesting. Plantaginet was bitten by an iguana in his childhood and he lives in mortal dread of being eaten alive by them in his sleep. (Well, he’d be asleep when they started to eat him, but as soon as they got stuck in I imagine he might wake up!) I knocked roughly on the door and shouted: “Open the door. It’s the police!” Plantaginet stumbled as he ran to the door and banged his head against the inside. “Open up, now!” I shouted. I heard him dropping the keys and scrambling to get the door opened. He opened the door a little and I pushed it in, giving him the shock of his life. “Colonel, it’s only you,” he said with a certain amount of relief. Although, his eye was twitching. I knew I had him off guard. Before he got a chance to regain his composure I strode into the hallway, brushed past him and stormed into the withdrawing room. I started: “His Lordship was talking about the GALAPAGOS this morning. He seems to be losing control. I am very worried about what he might do next. He mentioned AER LINGUS and how the value of his shares was not what he might like it to be. He was enquiring about JOAN NOBLE. Have you ever heard of her?” “What? Who? I mean, what is all this about?” he began. His twitch was as bad as ever I had seen it. “I believe the IGUANAS are a bit vicious at this time of the year. They don’t sleep between April and June, they tell me. Imagine that, IGUANAS up all night for 13 weeks. Isn’t 13 supposed to be a terribly unlucky number?” “For God’s sake Colonel, what is happening? This nightmare must end,” he whimpered. I looked at him calmly. “But Plantaginet, would I be mistaken for thinking that you are raising hares all over the place? Everyone is upset. Even the Pope is irritated. The GALAPAGOS would be too good for a fellow like you. Under normal circumstances, and without the protection of the committee, a fellow could find himself in far more unpleasant climes in dark, dank places. Places where things with glowing eyes and teeth like razors, which have never been seen in daylight, prowl forever in search of human flesh!” I wondered if anyone could swallow that one, but, reassuringly, Plantaginet caved in and began sobbing. “What must I do?” he blubbered. “Nothing, Planty,” I said. “Just do nothing. ”He nodded. I went to this writing table and picked up the various legal documents. “You’ll hardly be needing these, Planty” I said. “Hardly,” he replied.

I’m on my way to the Bishop.

Yours in resolution,

Billy

A Weak Spot

2009-10-04T05:11:00.000-07:00

Billy

It is raining in East Knoyle, or it would be fairer to say the heavens have opened. So I am going to send this email and then retreat to the kitchen to sit by the aga and work. Good luck with Planty – he must have an Achilles heel, - we all do. I dread to think what Heriward’s might be!

Sally dot

Wigs on the Green

2009-10-01T09:53:00.000-07:00

Sally dot Page, greetings

“Wigs on the green” is an old expression, I would have thought it to be English, which my grandmother used to say when she was indicating that there was trouble ahead. In spite of many searches, and asking those people who know everything, the explanation escapes us. The best we can come up with is that it comes from the days when men wore wigs as a fashion accessory, hence our assumption that its origin is English, because the Irish were not known for the wearing of wigs. It might be that when a fight or a riot would break out in a town, the aftermath would be wigs on the village green after the authorities had restored order and put the fractions to flight. In such circumstances it would be unlikely that the combatants would stop to pick up their wigs. His Lordship sent word via Heriward. “Kelly,” the message went, “get over here to the Palace immediately!” I was at the Palace immediately. “Your Lordship,” I began, “You summoned me. ”“Yes, yes, yes, now sit down and listen,” he said petulantly. “I think we all agree that things have gone a little off the rails with regard to our dear colleague Plantaginet. ” “You would find it difficult to find someone who would argue with that statement Your Lordship,” I said. “Well I want you to go over to Plantaginet’s and put an end to this matter for once and for all,” he went on. “Would it be in your mind that I should murder our dear friend and colleague, Your Lordship?” I asked nervously. “I hadn’t thought of that, but now that you mention it . . . . !” “I think, Your Lordship, that such a course of action might lead us into a state which would involve the total absence of Grace,” I pointed out, retreating to the moral high ground. “Kelly,” the Bishop continued, I don’t really mind how you achieve the result as long as you achieve it. Now get out. ”I got out. I am now collecting my notes before going around to Planty’s. I will be in contact later to let you know how I fared.

Yours diplomatically

Billy

A Little bit of Explanation

2009-10-01T09:44:00.000-07:00

Billy

But you are going to have to explain what “wigs on the green” means!

Sally dot

Fifteen Bob

2009-10-01T09:41:00.000-07:00

Sally dot Page, greetings

Things have taken an interesting twist! The forces of law and order have taken grave offence at Plantaginet’s truculence and his crass behaviour over the fifteen shillings. And when the forces of the establishment range against you there are very few places in which to hide. This, then, is the lesson that Plantaginet is learning the hard way. He now has an alliance ranged against him which includes such notables as Judge Turpin, His Lordship and, wait for this, the Pope. Having disposed of Romulus and Remus without any blood being drawn on either side, having had the fortunes of the committee restored, having managed to maintain Ebeneezer in his job (regardless of how close he came to unemployment) the wider community was beginning to settle back into its normal complacency and things were being swept, comfortably but firmly, under the carpet. This was to everyone’s satisfaction. Then the fifteen bob affair erupted and the great heaving masses began to agitate for equality. And we can’t have that! So the Bishop has enlisted Judge Turpin’s support and the pair of them are going on a three-pronged assault. The Bishop is demanding payment for the whiskey used to mollify the Judge. The Judge is demanding payment for the cigars taken by Plantaginet in that moment of triumph and weakness, and the pair of them are laying the blame for the hole burned in the Judge’s carpet at Plantaginet’s door. And the Pope? His objection is of a liturgical vestment nature. It appears that one of Plantaginet’s duties on the part of the committee is the preparation of the surplices and soutanes for liturgical services. Now, you may not be aware of this, but there are generally two colours of soutane, red and black, and they are used for quite specific purposes on varying Church days. The use of a red soutane on a day when black is required is an appalling error which is not tolerated by Mother Church. And that is precisely what Plantaginet managed. And while it was bad to manage it at all, to manage it when Romulus and Remus were the acolytes was an error of the greatest magnitude. The various legal notices and ecclesiastical communications are winging their way to Plantaginet’s abode as I write. Heriward even volunteered to deliver the Bishop’s contribution by hand this morning. (He does like to stir it a bit, doesn’t he!) and was heard casually to speculate about the links between Planaginet, Aer Lingus strike action and Joan Noble. Stand by! There will be “wigs on the green”!

Billy

A Slippery Slope

2009-09-28T12:59:00.000-07:00

Sally dot Page, greetings

The fifteen shillings affair is becoming quite an issue locally. Now that the committee’s funds have been fully restored to its account, the fifteen shillings is becoming an anomaly. It seems the forms used to lodge an amount less than, but not including, a pound, are different from the normal forms (and are rarely used these days) and the discrepancy cannot be accounted for satisfactorily in the bank’s records due to this. And Plantaginet is already threatening the bank with the full rigours of the legal system. “It is not the amount,” he said defiantly, “It is the principle. If we give way on the principle then we are stepping onto the slippery slope, a place from which it is very difficult to return with all one’s faculties in tact. ”“But Plantaginet,” I said wearily, “You managed to ‘misplace’ one hundred and forty seven thousand pounds belonging to the committee. It was then engineered that the committee’s fortunes were restored and the Penny Savings Bank was caught for the money. Was there any question of principle in that whole affair?“ Are we talking about principle or the principal sum?” he asked. We are heading into a twilight zone of semantics from which few have ever returned unscathed.

Yours in the gloom of verbiage,

Billy

2009-09-25T15:18:00.000-07:00

Oh, Billy Kelly,

It is good to be back. Work went well, but I have missed you. I didn’t feel the minding so strongly whilst I was away and at one point even thought you slipped out of view.

Sally dot

Romulus & Remus

2009-09-23T17:38:00.000-07:00

Sally dot Page, greetings

There was considerable conjecture regarding the identity of the two“suits” observed in conversation with His Lordship in the secluded corner of the pub. There had been a salmagundi of rumours and a gallimaufry of theories but the truth, though known to a few, has yet to enter the public domain. Gandalf, a reliable source in such matters, intimated that they were a couple of career bureaucrats from the curia (the papal government) in Rome over on official business. “I heard it muttered in the corridors that their names are Romulus and Remus and that they are very serious men,” Gandalf told me confidentially, as we awaited Benediction in the Bishop’s private chapel last evening. “Would there be any talk of what their mission might be and is there any way that we could assist them to return home knowing even less that they knew when they came here?” I enquired. “There are dark rumblings at the Palace that Rome is taking a dim view of the near-collapse of the Penny Savings Bank. It seems Ebeneezer is a staunch member of the Knights of St Columbanus and he is an office holder in Opus Dei," “In other words we might be going close to the truth if we described Ebeneezer as a Catholic!” I offered. “That would be it in a word, Colonel,” he said with resignation. “Then it might be fair to conclude, in that case, that we might be in a spot of bother, if I am reading the entrails correctly. ” Gandalf grimaced and clutched his stomach: “As long as it does not turn out to be our entrails that are to be read, Colonel. ” "A sentiment I share unreservedly, Gandalf,” I said encouragingly. His Lordship appeared in his liturgical vestments accompanied by Romulus and Remus in the attire of altar-servers (surplices and soutanes). All three looked grave and set about their benediction in earnest mood. After a rousing rendition of the Tantum Ergo and a flurry of scented smoke the brief ceremony was over and we were free to return to the secular world. As I left Romulus took me to one side. “Our Holy Father in Rome sends his blessings and wishes a little of your time for the purpose of replying to questions which I shall now put to you in the strictest confidences,” he chanted. “I hope they are more delicate than the fire and brimstone inquisitions of the Redemptorist Fathers, which I was subjected to in my youth,” I replied raking up some of the sins of the Church from the past – a certain way to put a member of the curia on his guard. “We – that is the Pontiff and I and Remus – are seeking to discover the cause of the disruption that has lead to grave offence being taken by our fellow Catholic, Ebeneezer, and to his holding on to his job by the skin of his teeth. Can you elucidate?” I saw my chance and took it: “It would be tied up in the incontrovertible fact that Evapotranspiration is a gallimaufry, salmagundi type of circumstance,” I blurted. The Bishop stifled a guffaw and blew his nose vigorously. Romulus was baffled. He looked to Remus for support. Remus being the cleverer of the two, busied himself with folding vestments and quenching candles at the other end of the sacristy. He was not going to be drawn into this filibuster. “Am I to report to the Supreme Pontiff that you consider those things you just uttered to be the root cause of the difficulty?” he asked sheepishly. “Precisely!” I said triumphantly. “Well in that case I won’t trouble you any further. Thank you for your time." I nodded in the direction of His Lordship: “ I will take my leave, Bishop, and will no doubt meet you in the evening. ” With a wink he replied: “You might order me a double brandy and port. I shall be with you presently. ” The Romans flew out early this morning.

Yours in evapotranspiration

Billy

2009-09-19T03:04:00.000-07:00

Billy,

One hundred and forty seven thousand pounds?!

One HUNDRED and forty seven thousand pounds??!!

Yours in awe,

Sally

2009-09-15T13:13:00.000-07:00

Billy

It has occurred to me (as I wash my car) I am completely mad. I believe Plantaginet is hiding something, I believe I am an ex nun, I believe in the Cure, I live on my own but have Billy Kelly by my side

Sally

Expo and Gorillas

2009-09-15T13:10:00.000-07:00

Sally dot Page, greetings

A new twist on the Drink Gorilla! Not only does he come in and scatter one’s clothes about the place, but (and in accordance with his description of being like Santa Claus, in that he can visit every house in the world on the one night) occasionally he leaves things behind him. In the case of Jim, two mobile phones were deposited last night, the owners of whom we are so far unable to identify, though Jim assures me he is working on it. Then I went to the fridge to get some milk, and – shock of shocks – the fridge was full of beer! Now Jim claims that it was he who put the beer in the fridge. But, he doesn’t fool me. I am going to start to leave some bananas and Waragi (a Ugandan spirit distilled from bananas) out for the Drink Gorilla. If I get him on my side there is no knowing the fun we could have. The latest on “George in the Shop”. I met him this morning for the first time since he met you. “Hi, Bill,” he said, grinning from ear to ear. “When is the movie star coming back?” “You were impressed?” I offered. “Jasus Bill, she’s a cracker! What have you got that I don’t? You must have something,” he suggested. “Well, George,” I replied, “One thing is certain. She is not after my money!” I retreated as the peals of laughter echoed down Parnell Street. The affairs of the committee will have to wait until a later date, I have to attend to some of the PR work for the Limerick Expo festival. I don’t work, I don’t eat!

Yours edibly,

Billy

Why Indeed?

2009-09-13T11:59:00.000-07:00

Sally dot Page, greetings

The reason for Plantaginet’s machinations are not at all clear. It seems to sensible (!) people like you and I that he is running into a dead end. With regard to Mandrake and Gandalf, I have no hold over them whatever (other than the photographs, which I would be most reluctant to release to the Press, and I think they appreciate that!).

Billy

2009-09-12T03:13:00.000-07:00

Sally dot Page, greetings

Heriward was out and about at the crack of dawn. I saw him disappear into the mists in the lower meadow. There were other shapes moving about in the haze. I thought two of them to be Mandrake and Gandalf.

In the early morning, when all is calm and the world sleeps, voices carry over long distances. “Who goes there?” enquired Heriward. “Names will not be mentioned,” came the cautious reply. “You know who we are. ” “Well then, what brings this noble band to this remote spot at this ungodly hour of the morning?” asked Heriward. “There is skulduggery afoot,” said a voice. “And we fear that things are not at all as they seem. There is another dimension manifesting itself. We may not be able to lay the blame entirely at Plantaginet’s door. ” “And pray tell,” Heriward interjected, “What might that intrusive dimension be?” “Tis coming from the mainland, the larger island, from where all our woes come with the singular exception of the prevailing wind!” said the voice. “My God,” exclaimed Heriward, “You don’t mean to say that we shall have to extend our enquiries to our neighbouring country, surely?” "That is what is presenting itself and all the latest intelligence is pointing firmly in that direction,” said another voice. “Do we have a name?” Heriward asked urgently. The voices dropped and all I heard was a muffled response, but I am sure it sounded remarkably like Joan Noble!

Yours in intensive investigations,

Billy

The List Maker

2009-09-12T03:10:00.000-07:00

Billy

Fiona has been telling me about a programme she watched on TV last night about obsessive people. One of the women featured on the programme was an obsessive list maker. (Oh God, I am going to make her look normal!) But as Fiona explained it wasn’t the length of her lists that was noteworthy, it was the fact she sat down and wrote a long list of things she had already done for the satisfaction of ticking them off with a red pen! Now I can see that I am a mere amateur when it comes to making lists. So here goes:1. write Whitbread presentation 2. buy Poppy a birthday present 3. collect dry cleaning 4. get a degree 5. have 2 children 6. learn to drive 7. buy a house 8. set up my own business 9. take up riding 10. fall off 11. Give up riding

All done!

Excellent

Sally dot

The Judge

2009-09-12T03:07:00.000-07:00

Sally dot Page, greetings

I hope your list for today is drawn up and covers every eventuality (except for the eventuality that eventually happens, of course!). Plantaginet has sought a restraining order from the courts. This would have the effect of preventing any further involvement in the affair by any member of the committee until a date is set for a full judicial review. Even conversation between the members in confidential tones would be in breach of the ruling and jail sentences could be in prospect. It is getting very messy.

The Bishop has taken a hand in the affair and has invited Judge Turpin around for a spot of lunch. The honourable judge is fond of the odd tipple and I suspect that his Lordship has something in mind that could have the effect of causing an adjournment of the court for a few days. This would provide us with breathing space enough to confound Plantaginet’s skulduggery.

Yours in anticipation,

Billy

Irish Madness and lists

2009-09-12T03:03:00.000-07:00

Billy

Mandrake and Gandalf?!

Would it be mad that we are Billy Kelly?

I don't seemed to have stopped much today so it is time for another list. Then hopefully I can put lots on tomorrow’s page and nothing on today’s! I have a feeling that this “work” thing is not all that it’s cracked up to be. And I have so many other things I need to do, …. . I have to attack the washing, and then I might shave my car and wash my legs. (sounded more interesting that way!)

Sally

Legal Wizards

2009-09-10T15:44:00.000-07:00

Sally dot Page, Greetings

Things at committee level have taken a turn for the worst. Plantaginet is beginning to cut up rough. He is claiming that the notice he received for the pleanary session of the committee was insufficient and was in contravention of the rules. Heriward has been sent off (I saw him scuttling, actually) to rummage through the archives to see if there would be any precedent which could lead to the suspension of standing orders and force Planty to attend. Mandrake and Gandalf (our legal wizards on the committee) are also making a search of the minute books and the records of the annual general meetings to see if that might turn something up which will defuse the situation. This matter seems destined for the courts. The Bishop is not pleased.

Yours in litigation,

Billy

The Agenda

2009-09-10T15:40:00.000-07:00

Sally dot Page, greetings

I am honoured to be your pen pal. However I must take issue with you on the matter of me being foreign. It is you who is foreign, and it is the French who drive on the wrong side of the road. The Bishop has been on the phone to advise me that there will be a plenary (from the Latin, plenus, meaning full!) session of the committee on Wednesday to discuss a number of pressing matters. The agenda, however, had just one word on it: “Plantaginet. ” I think the delay until tomorrow is to give me time to resolve the matter before it arrives before the committee. I have summoned Plantaginet.

Yours in subterfuge

Billy

Pen Pals

2009-09-10T15:39:00.000-07:00

Billy

Homework is done, everyone is fed and I am stealing some moments whilst the girls are playing to write to you. The girls asked about you tonight (they knew I was visiting Billy Kelly in Ireland), and we chatted around this for a while and the bit they understood and were obviously comfortable with was when I described you as my “pen pal”. So Mr Kelly you are my foreign pen pal.

Sally

Monday Morning

2009-09-10T15:35:00.000-07:00

Sally dot Page, greetings

I find the e-mails and text messages are an extraordinary facility. When I left you this morning, apart from the fact that I was utterly exhausted, I felt really dreadful emotionally. I thought that I could not possibly get through the day with you being gone. Now, following your text messages my spirits have risen considerably.

The Bishop is out and about and Heriward is whistling. Plantaginet seems to be rallying. Sometimes a crisis will simply go away if you leave it alone. That seems to have happened with the Planty issue. Though it is a bit too early for us to rest on our laurels just yet. Trouble visits the complacent when they least expect it. We will remain on full alert.

Yours

Billy

7.01pm

2009-09-08T14:48:00.000-07:00

Sally dot Page, greetings

Today is the day! I am sorry that I will not be at the airport to meet you, but it is just one of those things. Work intrudes. Regardless, this day will seem like a very long one until 7. 01 (not 7. 00 or 7. 02) arrives. I better get some white bread, rashers and eggs (and wine, of course)! So now you understand the magnitude of Plantaginet’s machinations! Even our national airline is grounded by his tomfoolery. The committee will be going into emergency session in the next few hours. The doors will be locked and there will be no food or drink allowed until the full facts have been established and a course of action agreed. I will contact you later, as the Bishop is knocking at the window and is looking rather agitated. It seems the worst is about to happen.

Yours in crisis

Billy

In Transit

2009-09-08T14:47:00.000-07:00

Billy

Did the Gods seriously think I would let a thing like an Aer Lingus strike stop me seeing you?!

So Cardiff it is. RyanAir it is. I will get from Dublin to Limerick – The train arrives at 7. 01 pm.

Yours in transit

Sally dot

PS You don’t think Plantaginet could have been behind this do you?

The Tune

2009-09-08T14:37:00.000-07:00

Sally dot Page, greetings

They certainly don’t get it. How could they? Over here no-one gets it either. Nobody, other than you and I, knows enough of what passes between us to understand anything (not that I am claiming to!). And I think it is clear that neither of us wants to analyse things to death. GK Chesterton wrote about a group of serious clerics who approached St Francis of Assisi and demanded to know how he could reconcile some theological contradiction. (Something like explaining the problem of pain while claiming that God loves us all and wants us to be happy. ) St Francis laughed and picked up a musical instrument (I don’t recall what) and played a tune as he danced around the countryside. Eventually the clerics went away and St Francis returned to his state of spiritual calm. The tune he played is the tune that Heriward hums to himself in the archives, that His Lordship falls asleep to, and that Plantaginet plays to ease his twitch. (And grown-ups can’t hear it!) Some of our friends (and the serious clerics) want us to describe what shouldn't be described. And I think we would be most unwise to listen to them!

I want you to listen to the tune.

Yours in lectures,

Billy

Not Getting It

2009-09-08T14:32:00.000-07:00

Billy

How are you this morning?I had an interesting chat with my friend Jayne last night. I rang to wish her happy birthday and we ended up having a long conversation. In the course of it we were talking about the virtue of saying what you mean and as your name had been mentioned just previously I indicated that one does not always say what one means. She pounced on this and insisted on clarification. All I could muster were some vague things about mushiness and wishing to avoid it for a number of undeclared reasons. Her response was interesting. She was slightly startled and mentioned things along the lines of; only knowing you for a short time, not really knowing you well and the need to keep it light and amusing. I didn’t say anything else on the subject but it occurred to me: They don’t really get it. There is no reason why they should of course and I am not sure I do either, but they certainly don’t!

Yours ponderingly

Sally dot

In a Word

2009-09-08T14:29:00.000-07:00

Sally dot Page, greetings

This morning Brendan McWilliams in his Weather Eye column in the Irish Times has introduced me to three new words. (The day we learn nothing is a day wasted!) Evapotranspiration, gallimaufry and salmagundi! I feel they will be creeping into Heriward’s conversation in the not too distant future. I went around to Plantaginet’s last evening. Things could hardly be worse! It will take all of my ingenuity to keep this matter from the front pages of the Yellow Press. In fact, I am reluctant to discuss this matter at the moment as there are a few missing pieces to the puzzle and until I can put them in place, anything I say might be prejudicial to a satisfactory outcome. Suffice it to say, the implications could ripple far into the fabric of the committee. For the time being I am keeping things strictly confidential. I feel certain that even Heriward, who has some inkling of what is going on, does not fully understand what he might have unearthed. In a word: “Gallimaufry!” I may have already said too much. Work intrudes for a little while. I’ll be back!

Yours in Salmagundi,

Billy

No time to Chat

2009-09-08T02:42:00.000-07:00

Billy Kelly

I want to wallow in your emails, but I have to concentrate all my effort on poor Libby - who is quite ill with asthma, and on work. Plus Julie is suffering sadness and needs some TLC – so she and her daughter are camping with me. So I am afraid this is as good as it gets at the moment.

S . P

(that’s Sally dot Page in a hurry!)

Skeletons

2009-09-08T02:38:00.000-07:00

Sally dot Page, greetings

Well the car maintenance course just won’t go away, will it? However, at the moment, what with the Bishop’s indolence, Heriward’s industry and Plantaginet’s indisposition, it might be inopportune to seek the committee’s guidance on that matter. With regard to Plantaginet’s twitch, it seems there may be more to this than meets the eye (sorry!). While I was rummaging through the archives in search of ancient certificates attesting to the virtues and values of the Redcoats, Heriward called me to one side. “Colonel,” he began, conspiratorially, “They are saying that my machinations have had a hand in that ailment which is manifesting itself in the treasurer’s right eye." This of course is balderdash. ”“Of course, Heriward,” I said, as if I meant it. “What they are not saying, Colonel,” he continued, and lowering his voice even more, he leaned closer until his nose was almost touching my ear, “What they are not saying is that the said Planty might have a few skeletons in his cupboard that are in danger to tumbling out if I proceed with my plans for new openings and alcoves around these dank chambers. ” “I fail to see why you would be telling me that, Heriward,” I replied. “There are enough skeletons in your own cupboard to keep your attention focused on yourself, rather than on the honorary treasurer. But we’ll speak no more of that for the time being. ” "But Colonel, I impart that confidential information so that you, in your own inimitable way, might bring these proceedings to a close in a manner that would find all of us a little better off than when this adventure presented itself for prosecution. ” He backed away slowly and, with a knowing nod, shuffled off down the aisle. I’ll be calling around to Plantaginet today.

With regard to Julie, I know she was not being rude, I was probably guilty of being rude myself. The very fact that you passed on the greeting (because in Ireland “fuck off” can mean anything from “fuck off” to “I love you”) immediately rendered it harmless. I hope you fared well at the Clarks meeting. My sending you long rambling e-mails, I am sure, doesn’t help to reduce the hassle of the day for you, but I just can’t help myself!

Yours helplessly

Billy

On the Run

2009-09-08T02:35:00.000-07:00

Billy,

Rushing off to Clarks meeting and also trying to fire fight at home; VAT due, Libby off ill and car playing up (I still wonder about that car maintenance course!) Julie has jumped in to mind Libby for me. She is not really rude – the “Fuck off” from her to you was delivered in a friendly kind of way! You will meet her one day and you will see for yourself.

Slightly hassled

Sally dot Page

Plantaginet

2009-09-06T10:31:00.000-07:00

Sally dot Page, greetings

It is wonderful to receive e-mails from you. My spirits have lifted considerably after reading your e-mail. Also it is Tuesday and that is just three days away from Friday and your visit. Unfortunately, the Bishop is continuing to bury his head in the sand. He has slept late every morning since Saturday, and this has persisted up to this morning. Heriward, on the other hand, has been up at cockcrow and continues to re-arrange things in the archives. He is even making arrangements for some structural changes which would involve the committee in quite considerable expenditure. Plantaginet, our treasurer, is showing signs of severe strain and has developed a twitch in his right eye, which causes him to be thrown out of pubs for winking at barmaids. This (the lack of drink), naturally, is compounding his problem. We are all trying to avoid him at the moment. He has been asking passers-by to buy him cheap wine in the off-licence and the winking is causing them to run from him in panic. Add to this the Bishop’s sleeping for most of the time, then you will understand that the absence of a firm guiding hand is being felt profoundly. We might be just hours away from catastrophy. If you have any shares in the committee left, I recommend an immediate “sell”.

Yours in unwanted structural changes

Billy

Amsterdam

2009-09-06T10:29:00.000-07:00

Billy,

Well what a good time we had! To start with a spooky thing happened outside the central station in Amsterdam straight after we had arrived. I was just saying to Pip that I really needed more work when my phone rang. It was a job that an advertising agency would like me to do before Easter. The Gods obviously wanted me to have a good trip. Great timing all round. We visited the sights (Anne Frank’s House,The Rijk Museum and The Van Gogh Museum plus Canal Boat trip) we shopped, we ate and surprise… we drank. We also walked miles which I really enjoyed, when I wasn’t dodging bikes and cars. One car a week falls into the canals - I wonder how many English Protestants do? Along the way we made lots of friends (whether they wanted to or not) and we got on very good terms with the drink Gorilla, despite him messing up our hair and faces in the night. So now back to normal life. I have the girls to feed and Julie is over visiting and has decided to stay the night. – She missed me!

Sally dot Page

2009-09-05T04:49:00.000-07:00

Sally dot Page, greetings

Heriward hasn’t opened the doors of the archive. The Bishop is pacing the car park. The hammer may fall sooner than the bold Heriward expects! Does it snow at all in the Galapagos Islands, I wonder?

Billy

Sell, Sell, Sell

2009-09-04T13:09:00.000-07:00

Sally dot Page, greetings

Heriward may not be scuttling of late but he is sailing close to the wind. Driving His Lordship is a temporary honour. As soon as he sees too much yon Heriward will find himself in the Galapagos Islands tending to iguanas, or whatever it is they tend to out there. He ought to be concentrating on strengthening his grip on the keys to the archives rather than swaggering around jingling the keys of the Merc in the face of anyone silly enough to look at him. Watch the stock market in the morning. Lloyds shares are in for a tumble. (The less you know the better!)

Billy

Getting Assertive

2009-09-04T13:06:00.000-07:00

Billy,

I have sat down at the computer to amend my M & S document for tomorrow and I find I am writing to you instead. Heriward is not so much of a scuttler these days is he? Do you think he has been going to assertiveness classes or perhaps he has been tucked up in the vaults at night reading improving books? I can see the Bishop will have trouble with him. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. I got assertive today – but it didn’t do me any good. I was trying to put my bank accounts on line. I thought in that way I could look at them regularly and so worry more often, - but they wouldn’t let me! And do you know why? Because I couldn’t answer the question about how much I had spent in a specific supermarket a week ago. I always shop in the same supermarket, the amount could vary between £50 and £100 – I have no idea what I spent on March 15th. I don’t know and I don’t care! I asked for another question, I asked for one on sport, I offered to tell them lots of things about my account, I said I wasn’t a difficult woman, then I acted like one but by then they didn’t believe I was Sally dot Page and they shut me down! How dare they! Would you kindly let Lloyds Bank know you are my Minder. Well I must go back to work now

The only real

Sally dot Page

A Word with the Bishop

2009-09-04T13:02:00.000-07:00

Sally dot Page, greetings

I was walking to work this morning when His Lordship’s black Mercedes pulled up beside me. Heriward was at the wheel. I was surprised, because at that time the Bishop is usually in his private chapel saying Mass. I knew something was up. Heriward lowered the window. “Colonel,” he said solemnly, “Could we interrupt your perambulations temporarily? His Lordship is in the back. The door is open. ” And he closed the window. I opened the back door and sat in. “Good morning Your Lordship,” I began, “Would it be well that I find you on this delightful morning and the three of us alive?”He gruffly beckoned that I should shut up. “Look here Kelly,” he began in anything but friendly terms, “What is all this about

Sally dot Page?” I knocked on the glass dividing Heriward from what was obviously his handiwork in the rear of the car. The large dark glass began to descend slowly. “You knocked?” enquired Heriward, rather cheekily, I felt. “I’m going to do a bit of knocking when I get you out in the open,” I said menacingly. The dark glass slid upwards and Heriward was obscured. “All what?” I asked the Bishop. “Oh come on now, Kelly, you know what I am talking about!” “But,” I protested, “The Durham precedent has been dealt with by the committee. There is nothing more to tell. ”“Are you sure?” he scowled. “I am sure, Your Lordship. ” "Well in that case tell those English women to mind their own fucking business, now get out I have Mass to celebrate. ” “Of course, Your Lordship. ” I said reverently. “And thank you. ” As I left the car I tapped on the driver’s window. A rather ashen faced Heriward, who kept staring ahead with his lip quivering, let the window slide open a little. “I’ll talk to you later,” I said. The window closed. The car drove up the road to turn. I continued my perambulations and thought of the sexiest Redcoat I ever laid eyes on. A smile crept across my face. As the Mercedes passed me on the way back to the Palace, Heriward made no effort to acknowledge my existence. In the back I noticed His Lordship sipping whiskey and laughing. Yours ecclesiastically,

Billy

Joan Noble Returns

2009-09-04T12:56:00.000-07:00

Billy,

Perhaps you could turn your mind to this. I had lunch with a crowd of girlfriends today. A nice chat was had re: home, children, work and so forth before lunch. But during lunch it went rather like this:Nicky: So, Sally are you seeing anyone? Sally: well, yes I am. Lunching Ladies: (looking interested) oh, who is it? Sally: An Irishman

General chat at this point amongst all ladies lunching … men …. Irish accents … why don’t I meet anyone…has he met the children …. what is he called … where does he live …. sense of humour … etc …

At this point, Joan Noble who was on the periphery of the conversation piped up with "Well I don't know what he is thinking of, but he's hardly likely to be taking YOU seriously"

OUCH!!

Sally

2009-09-02T02:41:00.000-07:00

Billy,

I can spot a challenge when I see one. I may not get to 100 straight away but this is a start. 43. It may be snowing hard but I am not a Postman, window cleaner or rabbit 44. My eyebrows do not meet in the middle. 45. I like being called Sally. 46. I am not called; Kylie, Edna or Brian. 47. I can identify any Quality Street chocolate in the box by touch alone 48. I not only love my daughters but I like them very much as well. 49. I don’t live in Barking or Huddersfield 50. As a child I won a Limerick competition on the radio. 51. (the prize was an Alvin Stardust album …I wonder if that is another blessing?!) 52. All my organs are in good working order 53. I may have no work on but I have been asked out to lunch today and am free to go 54. I can touch my toes without bending my knees 55. Due to the magic of science and with the help of my friend Julie the hairdresser, I am a blonde 56. I have a red and white Mini Cooper 57. I was once an expert witness in a court case for Jammie Dodgers (don't ask) 58. I live in a beautiful village set in wonderful countryside 59. I have two fridges – one purely for drink 60. I have a pantry, a utility room and a linen cupboard (a girl thing) 61. I am going to see my friend Alison Parker soon 62. Alison Parker can party for Britain and probably the EU as well 63. With the help of contact lenses I can see pretty well and only occasionally walk into things 64. I have a Minder (and many apologies for not putting this at the top of the list) 65. I am being taught to drink like the Irish 66. I have been to Limerick 67. And to Dublin 68. I have not been pulled down by the wolves 69. No wolves live with me

Now for a coffee I think.

Yours in the snow

Sally dot Page

Dreaming of Nuns

2009-09-02T02:38:00.000-07:00

Sally dot Page, greetings

I could not sleep at all last night. I kept thinking of this ex-nun who has no beard and is neither Catholic, nor a lapsed Catholic, though she has many matching underwear sets. I stopped looking at the clock at about 5. 00 and eventually, after tossing and turning for some time, nodded off. Then, I dreamed I was going to a black tie function with the said ex-nun. At one stage I lost her in the hotel and could not remember the number of the room we were in (does that sound familiar?). I was in quite a panic as the booking was in her name and because I was not registered I could not get the room number (you know the way things happen in dreams). Then I turned around and there was Sally dot Page standing at my shoulder, smiling, and the terror left me. Then I woke up at 6. 45! To say I was tired would not go anywhere near describing my true condition. I think once you get to item 100 on your list of blessings you should be given a medal. I’ll work on it.

Billy

More Blessings

2009-09-02T02:20:00.000-07:00

Billy,

Once I started I could not stop, they kept coming to me thick and fast as I drove home. This is doing me so much good. 17. I am not a Catholic. 18. I am not a lapsed Catholic. 19. I have matching underwear sets in ; white, cream, light blue, navy, black, purple and red… very Doris Day. 20. I can sometimes fit into a size 10 21. I have an inflatable dolphin (the girls might debate ownership here) 22. I may not have swum with the dolphins but I have swum without armbands 23. I have kissed Billy Kelly 24. I have not kissed Michael Portillo or Jeffrey Archer 25. I can make pastry 26. I have at least 60 CDs 27. I can sew 28. I have an Aga 29. I am not allergic to red wine, Guinness, parma ham, chocolate or cheese 30. I have shopped in New York 31. I can find my way around London driving 32. Billy Kelly has a beard 33. I do not 34. I have very low blood pressure as befits a true athlete (!) 35. My Mum and Dad are alive and well. 36. My ex mother in law is coming to England and I don’t have to see her 37. I live in the country but do not have Foot & Mouth 38. Nor do my children, rabbits or guinea pigs 39. I have heard the advice of a man called Heriward 40. I have never knowingly met a Bishop 41. I know the cure is in the second pint 42. I have been to Durham. . . . I am sure more will come to me later Now I am ready to face my paperwork.

The most fortunate

Sally Page

The Wolves

2009-09-02T02:17:00.000-07:00

Sally dot Page, greetings

An ex nun who can change barrels of beer?There are murmurings at committee level already. But there is a sparkling ray of hope. You are going to the Netherlands. There you will find the most liberal Catholic clergy in the world. Seek them out and take instruction. I think that would sit well with His Lordship and he would be a bit intimidated because he knows the Dutch would be more open to and would know more than he does about this Protestant ex-nun kind of thing. When you list out what’s good in your life it makes what is bad seem silly, doesn’t it? My day’s work is done and as Jim has the wolf pack at home I am off to the public house for the consumption of intoxicating beverages. I do this in order that I might discuss with learned men at the bar those things that have been the bane of the lives of every Irish man since before the beginning of time. And having completed the discourse, not to mention the pints, I shall return to the wolf’s lair and set some traps. A fellow in the pub last night said he would buy the pelts from me at above the going rate. There is no knowing the extent of the ways a fellow can turn a shilling, if he puts his mind to it.

Yours in beer barrels,

Billy

I Told You So!

2009-09-01T10:16:00.000-07:00

Billy,

I don’t like to say ‘I told you so’ – but I would be lying.

Fiona did come for coffee but did not stay long enough, so I am now up to my eyes in pieces of paper to do with; mortgages, car insurance, building & content insurance, council tax, pensions, insurance in case I can’t work . . . etc . . . etc. I haven’t sunk into the mire yet (because I am emailing you instead!) but it may overcome me shortly.

I think I need to count my blessings . . . Here goes: 1. My girls are gorgeous and healthy 2. I love my house 3. I have a comfortable bed 4. I have 2 yogurt pots 5. I am far more interesting than my friend Julie (I must remember to tell her this) 6. I have an air ticket to Shannon 7. I am going to Amsterdam with my best friend this weekend 8. Other friends come and drink coffee and other beverages with me frequently 9. I passed my cycling proficiency . . . I presume it is still current 10. I can change a barrel of beer 11. I have at least 5 bottles of wine in the house 12. I have good teeth 13. And a large mouth to put them in 14. I have started receiving complimentary copies of “Shovels R Us” 15. I am Chilmark School Quiz champion 16. I can whip Joan Noble at Charades .... I feel better already!

Must go and pick the girls up from school

The blessed Sally (Ex nun)

The Tunneling Begins

2009-09-01T10:14:00.000-07:00

Sally dot Page, greetings

The tunnelling has begun! Just when we thought it was safe to leave Heriward to his own devices the bastard starts digging tunnels. His Lordship, now fully recovered from what the committee is referring to as his “heavy cold”, is anything but pleased. “Where, Heriward, if you don’t mind me prying, do you think you are tunnelling to?” His Lordship enquired, rather haughtily, I thought. “Those, Your Lordship, are not tunnels,” Heriward retorted, risking life and limb with his impudence, “Those are archaeological excavations!” "And what, might I enquire,” His Lordship ploughed on, “Would Heriward be excavating for, if I may be so bold as to enquire?” The committee members present froze, in anticipation of Heriward’s response. “Ancient empty whiskey bottles and alter wine bottles, Your Lordship,” said Heriward as cuttingly as anyone has ever addressed the Bishop. “I believe there are many to be found in these parts. They would make suitable decorations for the vaults, I fancy. People used the contents to fight off colds, I am led to understand. ” The Bishop turned on his heel and stormed off, farting fire. “Heriward,” I said coldly, “Fill in the holes. ” The matter is unlikely to be referred to again, at least not officially.

Yours archaeologically,

Billy

Tricky Twists

2009-09-01T10:06:00.000-07:00

Sally dot Page, greetings

I summoned Heriward. “Look here, Heriward,” I said gruffly, “What is in this contract I keep referring to with regard to

Sally dot Page, and to which she, from time to time alludes? Is it an extensive document and how many copies, if any, of it exist? If they do exist do you have some copies? Would it be wise for me to scrutinise the small print? And I should like an answer to either or all of those queries immediately, if it would be all the same to you. ”“Oh great benefactor,” he whinged, wringing his withered hands, “You are treading on boggy soil on this one, after the fashion of your forefathers who lived in the days that are no longer with us. Caution, colonel, caution!” "Twould be well that you take your own advice, Heriward,” I intoned, “and now kindly elucidate, clarify and make clear what is behind your obscure remarks. “Oft-times a question is best left unasked, and if asked, as in your case, left unanswered. The wise men scrutinises the spirit of the law, not the letter. Focus, colonel, focus on the simple task that has been put to you and leave the study of weighty intellectual matters to His Lordship and I, as we have been trained in the tricky twists of theological thought (try that with an Irish accent!). ” "Heriward, get out,” I said grumpily. “Your wish, oh great teacher, is tantamount of my command. I’m gone. ” And with that he was indeed gone, his task accomplished.

Yours in simplicity

Billy

2009-08-31T09:21:00.000-07:00

Billy

I thought you might like to hear of some good advice I received today from a 6-year-old. (I was helping at a friend’s daughter’s birthday party)

Jessica : I make friends easily

Sally: Do you?

Jessica: Yes. I went up to this girl with brown hair the other day and now we are friends

Sally (very seriously): Perhaps you could tell me what to do

Jessica: Well I can. What you need are two yogurt pots.

Sally: ……Oh yes

Jessica :You take one of them and put some string into it and then you do the same with the other one. You put one of them to your ear and give the other to a friend and you talk. And that is how you make friends

Sally (humbly): Thank you

So I am off down the pub tonight with my 2 yogurt pots.

Sally

In mud

2009-08-30T12:15:00.000-07:00

Sally dot Page, greetings

Now that you are muddy and mucky you should suit my flat. You might pass unnoticed by the archaeologically mud-packed wolf pack that has taken over in there. George in the shop underneath the flat has his usual Sunday morning hangover. To quote his own words: “I’m fuckin’ dyin’, Bill!” He said this was puzzling to him because he only had about 10 pints, whereas the previous Saturday night he had about 17, and didn’t feel as bad the following morning! Then he announced that he is on pills for his blood pressure and they do not mix well with alcohol! Now there’s a man who is committed to the drink! George should be an inspiration to all of us. The Heriward issue refuses to die. While he is back in the vaults he is spending an inordinate amount of time looking at maps of the south of England and muttering things about the beauty of some English women. He is also crossing out any negative references to the red-coats in the books on the tribulations of the true Gaels. There are murmurings at committee level and His Lordship is anything but pleased. That sort of dangerous revisionism is frowned upon. There may be trouble ahead! Now, I’m off to the pub to meet Mike O’Byrne (the fellow who thinks you were a nun!) and enjoys pints and soccer. Yours in mud

Billy

School Quiz Champions

2009-08-30T12:09:00.000-07:00

Billy

You mentioned you were calling into work, so I hope this finds you. Julie and I are still laughing over our (very unexpected) quiz victory at the girl’s school yesterday. Last night as part of one of the quiz rounds we had to act out a charade, – or rather I had to act the one I was given to my team (short straw). Now this is a game I hate. However there was something sweet about watching Joan Noble a woman on an opposing team – and a close rival to our team - acting our hers. Joan Noble is a short woman who has strong views on; mothers who work, single mums, people who drive without side impact protection systems and so forth. Anyway, having successfully acted out my charade, which of course my talented team got, Joan had to act out hers. Sitting back and watching her vigorous but unsuccessful attempts at ‘Mission Impossible’, – thereby losing the quiz – was a joy.

I am spending today pottering around my garden. It is raining slightly and I am getting very muddy and mucky. I have sorted the logs out, attacked some weeds and must now go and clean out the rabbits.

Sally